Eng: Feelings while leaving

“Hello, I am the German!” 



I don't know how many times I said this during the past 10 months. I said it for fun, I said it to introduce myself. I said it when people didn't know me, when they knew me too well, but also just randomly. I said it while I was trying to hide my accent as good as possible, or with a horrible accent. 
 But in Germany, I am not “the German” anymore. I am “die komische Komponistin die ein Jahr in Amerika war”. (the weird composer who spend a year in the USA) People aren't making fun about my German side anymore, just about my new American side. 
10 month ago, I had my bags packed and I couldn't wait to leave the life that was normal for me. I left to live a new life, to make new experiences and to find a second home. Just now I realized, it will never be the same anymore. I grew up this year. I learned so much, from living on my own, to being myself. 
I see my life with different eyes now. Instead of seeing the small problems, I started to see the bigger picture. Material things aren't as important to me anymore as they were. Now I value friendship, family and love above anything else. I want to make an impact on the people I meet, want to leave something behind. I want people to remember me, not for the things I have but for the way I am and the things I do. 
Now I also realize, that this part of my life is over, and it's time for me to go. And even when I return, this life won't be the same either. 
I know I shouldn't be sad that its over. I should be happy I had this experience, and look forward to the things that are going to happen in my life. But I am. America has forever changed my life and I will never be able to go back to the life I had before. And I am glad it happened. I am a new, updated version of myself. 
I did many things for the first time this year and often it is something that I won’t ever do again. When will I ever dance on stage again, with an apron that I can't get over my head? When will I ever cheer for my High Schools Football team again, while playing with an American marching band? When will I ever dance through a night at prom again? When will I ever walk at graduation again, wearing cap and gown? 
Of course there have been many things that I wish would have gone different, for example the host family trouble, but if this is what I have to go through to live such an amazing life for a short time, I will gladly do it again. Because in the middle of the hot mess that I called my life for a few months, I found myself. 
I gained strength, that I didn't know was in me all along, experiences, that I would have never even dreamed of, confidence in myself. Today I am stronger, wiser and more confident that I have ever been before, and I am happy that I am this way. 
My Future changed. I changed it because I left and decided to take a different path than the normal one. It's kinda like an extra level in a video game, you gain some extra points that will help you in future levels. (I am really getting poetic here) When I left my plan was to go to university and to become a surveyor. Because I am good at math and physics. And it's interesting. But because of my lack of confidence, I never saw what I am really meant to do: Composing. Writing music that will touch other peoples hearts and show them a part of me. Letting people see my true feelings won't be easy, but I know now, that I can do it. And when I think I don't, then I know who I have to call, that will make me believe in myself again. 
I had an incredible time in Arizona, and I still can't believe it's over. 
Even though I am living over 5,000 km away from my home, I know I will go back. 
Because distance means so little, when someone means so much! 
Thank you so much guys! 
I miss you all the time....💗




 









Kommentare

  1. Dear Emma, it's so impressing to read what you wrote. You really have changed a lot in the USA. You made several big steps forward. Jessica and I are very happy that we supported you to make this exchange year. One of our best decisions! I hope that you feel well again in Germany. We love you and we like to have you around.

    I will support you - whatever you want to become. And if you see your future in the USA, I will support this as well - even though it would break my heart a little....

    I love you - Dad

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  2. It's not as easy to see a child growing, to see that a handfull of live is more ore less gone, gone on his/her one way...But nevertheless parents should always think in the way of happiness on their kids....
    Jessica / Stafan keep your great,great way in trying to support them all the time! I'm very impressed abt. ur. fam.. Helm...

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  3. Hallo! Ich bin eine Austauschschülerin in Utah und lese ab und zu deinen Blog. Und gerade habe ich diesen Post gelesen und es ist einfach unglaublich wie du meine eigenen Gefühle in solchem Detail beschrieben hast, wirklich. Vielen, vielen Dank für diesen wunderschönen Post. Lara
    Wenn es dich interessiert, kannst du auch gerne mal bei mir vorbeischauen... www.larasauslandsjahr.blogspot.com

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    1. Danke!! 😊❤ Ich mag deinen Blog aich sehr gerne, ich hab oft ähnliche erfahrungen gemacht😅!

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  4. Toller Blog! Genieße jeden Artikel über deinen Schüleraustausch :)

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  5. Toll!!! Ich darf diesen Sommer für einen Monat in die USA, habe einen Englisch Intensivkurs belegt, damit ich nicht so ganz aufgeschmissen bin :)) Plane nämlich danach auch ein Auslandsjahr dort zu verbringen!

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